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5 Real Reasons You Don’t Have Friends (and how to make new ones)

NEW FRIENDS

I was really content with my small circle of friends.  I had a crew to shop with, eat with, vent to, and do our Christian version of partying.  I mean those women totally understood me.  They didn’t judge me.  They encouraged and inspired me.  MY CREW!  Then things went a little haywire with one moving to another city, but she was still within a couple of hours.  Then the other was swept off her feet by a soldier in shining armor and whisked away to Alaska.  Then one passed away.  So I went from chilling with my girls to all by myself in a matter of a few years.  I remember feeling a tad bit jealous when one of my friends made friends so easily in her new city.  She practically had instant BFFs – and I had (insert overdramatic sigh and slump) NO ONE!  As much as I wanted to pretend like “No New Friends” was a welcomed anthem, I knew that I really did want to make friends.

I kept wondering why am I not making new friends.  Here are some mistakes I made on my quest – (these might be pitfalls for you too).

1.  Mourning old friendships.  So, you force yourself to hang out with new people.  You are super annoyed because you have to explain your jokes, or they all get each other and you feel like a newbie which you translate to an outsider.  Its not that they are weirdos or that you are one – its that YOU ARE NEW.  They aren’t your old friends and they don’t know you as well.  Before you write your new friends off, take time to get to know them.  Force yourself to enjoy the moment.  Learn as much as you can about people and reserve judgement until later.  it is difficult for women to make new friends, but part of it is embracing new people for who they are – not comparing them  to who your old friends were.  Each time you get together you are making new memories. Go for it!

2. Shutting new people out.  When new people invite you places you say, “Oh, sure that would be great.” Then, on the day of the event what do you do?  You cancel.  Or when everyone is hanging out you listen to everyone else and put up a steel wall and never open up or share.  You isolate yourself in a group or find ways to leave early. You don’t return calls.  You don’t attend events.  You never stay after to fellowship.  You are a one and done chick that never invests yourself into groups.  Then you are suprised that you don’t have friends.  ”Nobody likes me,” you say.  NOPE!  Not at all – nobody knows you.  Girl, let some new friends meet your awesome self and even your not awesome self.

3. You are wounded and unaware.  Admit it girl.  You’ve had friends betray you.  Turn their backs on you.  You’ve have friends that didn’t forgive you or you didn’t forgive them.  You have been through the wringer with friends – so badly that you shutter to use the word.  I can just hear you telling the guys at the office, “I have acquaintances. Not friends.”  Yup, your heart is hurt.  You haven’t healed. You haven’t forgiven. And no matter how convincing your schpiel is you are not “OVER IT”.  We’ve all been hurt by those who we thought were friends.  But don’t let those past non-friends block the path of the real forevers.  Real friends are possible – even if you have had some doozies in the past.

 

4.  Mutant expectations.  Friends, no matter how good or how bad are not superhuman.  Sometimes we can expect friends to be more than what they are humanly capable of.  So lets gt this straight – Every human being has the potential to disappoint you, fail you, hurt you, not meet your expectations.  No one is exempt from this reality.  Just know that when someone fails to meet your expectations, examine your own heart and forgive.  Ask yourself if you are being realistic, overzealous, forgiving and godly.  Disappointment is not always a deal breaker.  Believe in the possibility of reconciliation and restoration.

5.  Too much for TV.  Are you up on the very latest drama with the Housewives of whatever city?  Is Love and Hip Hop your guilty pleasure?  Well art doesn’t have to imitate your life.  If there is a ton of drama around you.  And you find your self arguing, fussing fighting with everyone around you, but finding sooo much in common with NeNe Leakes – then you need to reevaluate your dose of drama.  Turn it off and turn on real compassion and real interaction.

These are just a few reasons why I wasn’t making friends (and it might not  why you ain’t got none.  Friendship is a beautiful thing.  You can’t just eliminate if from your life because of negative experiences.  Don’t let these roadblocks to friendship keep you isolated.  The Bible has a lot to say about friendship.  Check it out for yourself:

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2 Comments

  • wow.. you are quite a gifted writer Tesha ! I enjoyed your insight and caught myself nodding while I was reading your excuses I guess that makes me guilty also :) Thank you for sharing.
    • Thank you for reading Judy. I think at some point or another every woman has guilty of these. I’m glad that I’m not alone on this journey to becoming a better friend. :-)

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