Single But…Involved (Part 3)
10 Things Men Say That Really Mean – You are Not the One (or the Only.)
My husband says that men tell women in so many words that they are not “the one”, but woman either excuse away the hint or pretend like they don’t get it. So, ladies, just in case you didn’t know – here are ten ways men tell you that the relationship is not exclusive or on a path to a dead end. If marriage is what your heart desires, then please read and remember these quotes:
1. “We don’t really have to define our relationship. We don’t have to put a title on it.”
People who are in love and certain they are in love define things. If you are in an extended, ambiguous, no name, hodge-podge of a “pseudo- relationship” know that you probably are not in a relationship at all – not an exclusive one anyway. With no titles or definitions how can there be an expectation of exclusivity or faithfulness.
2. “I live with my ex-girlfriend but I’m moving out soon.”
Just lift out the ex-girlfriend’s name out and place yours there. How would you feel? If he does not have the integrity to end things with the “ex-girlfriend” because he needs a place to live – chances are he is a hunter in survival mode and you will be the next provider of food, shelter, and what ever else he wants. Are you ok with that? Anyone who is in a living situation is not available and thus, neither are you.
3. I’m not ready for a relationship, but I don’t want to lose you.
I’m not talking about two weeks after getting out the previous relationship. I’m referencing someone you’ve been “seeing” for a while. This person consistently says they are not ready for a relationship, but they want you to stay in the pretend relationship with them. They choose parts of a relationship but deny the commitment. This is an emotionally dangerous territory. You may want to find out what steps they are taking to prepare for a relationship – even if that means you are not apart of it. Know your own boundaries.
4. “My wife is crazy, but I’m getting a divorce soon.” (classic) or “My wife doesn’t make me happy.”
WIFE. Did you say WIFE? Exit stage left! NEVER encroach on a covenant. I don’t care if they are going to divorce court tomorrow. Respect marriage. Point blank. Period. Many women actually believe men when they say this. It is classic bait for prey. You are never that hungry that you would eat off another woman’s plate. Right? Knowing that he has a wife but still being apart of a relationship reveals your lack of integrity and your desparation for any part of a relationship – even if it’s left-overs. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
5. “I have to get myself together before I get into a relationship.”
Again, define your boundaries. Stick to them. What this translates to is, “We are not together, no matter what you think.” Take the hint. He is single and so are you.
6. “I’m living with my babies’ mom for my children.”
So let me get this straight. You went from lovers, to parents, to just room-mates. Riiiiiiight. You live there strictly for the children. Don’t believe it. Please don’t. He’s inviting you into a relationship for three. You know about the full-time lady, and you can sign up for the part-time role. Interested? I really hope not.
7. “My ex and I are really close friends, but nothing is going on.”
If you don’t trust this statement and it makes you feel uncomfortable that means you are not a fit for this relationship. As a lady at my church used to say , “If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.” Learn not to argue with your discernment. God gave it to you for a reason.
8. ” Me and my boys kick it overnight sometimes. We are just cool like that – and we are not changing for anybody.”
So, he is giving you his definition of relationship. Relationship means – I do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. Where are your feelings considered in this? Also, guys don’t have sleep overs. NONE OF THEM! So… um… yeah. No thanks!
9. “Marriage is not for me.”
You are not Oprah. He is not Stedman. What are you working toward if its not marriage? The only goal in these relationships equates to sin. Don’t let the “engagement ring as a pacifier” trick work on you either. Engagement is not a dead end. If nothing is standing in your way, why not marry. After 10 years of dating… or 20…what’s really going on? We’ve seen many women left heart-broken after playing the seat filler for decades and being ditched when he found “the one”.
10. “We don’t have to go out. Why don’t you just come over here. (And don’t tell anyone you are with me.) (No pictures either.)”
You are better than being someone’s secret. If he is ashamed of you – get away fast! If he is other wise attached – get away fast! Being in a relationship is doing life together. A good relationship is time, commitment, connection and public appearances. You have to go out sometimes. If your relationship is only behind closed doors, I believe that has another name…
We are not saying that the man for you will be baggage free. Everyone has baggage. We are saying that he will deal with his baggage with integrity and consider the feelings of a woman who he cares for deeply. Be mindful of the way God speaks to you. Hearing God and excusing His wisdom away is an invitation for heartache, devastation, and even destruction. Some ladies have heard these things multiple times, but still fall into similar situations expecting different outcomes. Even if you have fallen before, we want you to recognize the trap before you fall in this time. Begin to teach other single sisters how to avoid the traps as well. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Oprah added, “When a person says to you, ‘I’m selfish,’ or ‘I’m mean’ or ‘I am unkind,’ believe them. They know themselves much better than you do.”
Kick hell out of your dating, then you will see what God can do!
Kick Scripture for this week: Proverbs 4:23 NIV “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
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